Wasabi is made from the excremental offerings of
long-dead Witch Doctor’s, poisonous green tree-frogs
(hence its puerile colouration), and marinated bat’s
wings. The copper cauldron is heated by the Fires
of Hell, and also includes the unique essence of dead
rats’ breath, several esteemed politicians, and a
bankers draught – they don't like it up ‘em you know!
Other ingredients also include:
1. The regurgitated genitalia of an outspoken and
2. A fhinkling of a malnourished warp
3. The helmet of a pigmy warrior
4. Half the gluten tongue of a bawdry monk
5. and a happenstance of absinthe
Cultural refinements also rule in Japan, so this
basic recipe has more to do with Western cookery bravado
and tastes, rather than the definitive culinary peaks
of expectations for the initiated.
Wasabi was originally created by the great Shoguns’
of the latter 17th Century, primarily as a fuse with
which to launch incendiary devices from the personal
crevices of passing dignitaries. Unfortunately, 'Blow-Backs'
became a serious issue; and so much so that refinement
of Wasabi was decreed by the Emperor to be left only
in the culpable hands and toes of experts, or those
given from childbirth to readily accept twisms of
However, it was left to a roman slave named Phæseus
Gaseous Maximus to perfect the proper angle of dangle.
Whilst his first attempts involved: straps, wheels,
pulleys, cogs; and a hard-boiled egg; later versions
incorporated the latest green lubricating emoluments
as a salival drip. This was not effective in battle,
and in lieu of further service he was banished to
the west. However, you will be pleased to know that
Phæseus later got a job as ‘test pilot’ for Heinz
in their Soya bean development facility.
Phrases such as “Green got your tongue” and “Abigail
Wass-I”, became prevalent in aristocratic circles,
and so much so that the Emperor Iwazacabbie banned
sales of Duckam’s Q20/50 for recreational use.
Meanwhile, agents of the Shoguns’ had been working
through candlelight till dawn to come up with a super-weapon
that would destroy all opponents. Obviously this deployment
had to take place during an official ‘Tea Ceremony’,
and they chose: Green ‘Gun Powder’ Tea of course.
The original tea leaves used were first treated by
coating the leaves with a rudimentary Wasabi dressing,
which was then dried in the sun until dark green.
Urchins were then gathered from the surrounding countryside
to Grimwaldi Rinns and told to bash it with their
pecker’s – hence the common Japanese phrase “Pecker’s
up”. Unfortunately, this method produced some contamination
as a bye product, so it was soon scrapped in favour
of the ‘Kyoto Parallax’.
The Kyoto Parallax was a complex agreement that nobody
attending had any intention of adhering to, nor understood
anyway. Basically, everyone present had a great time
and agreed to ‘whatever’ on the pretext that they
would not be required to actually eat any Wasabi themselves.
Word had already spread that this was the only substance,
ethereal or not, that Ghostbusters’ could not contain.
The distinguished historian Ishito Anni Riko noted
that Wasabi for culinary usage was unheard of before
the experiments of the eminent and misguided amateur
rocket scientist Izzy Phukwittaowa hit the headlines.
He mistakenly used his recipe for Wasabi (A fuse for
interstellar travel), and instead combined this with
a mediocre and limpid sushi. The results were astronomical,
and he soon founded a food retail chain based upon
his rocket fuse recipe mixed with cheap raw fish of
Since then, Wasabi has infected the entire Japanese
food chain, and contamination is stealthily spreading
worldwide. The contagion shows no signs of abating.
The only known antidotes so far discovered by medical
science are; fresh coconut milk and a strawberry cream
You could simply take some Horseradish and beat it
to a pulp.
The writer of this total Nonsense is deeply indebted
to Lewis Carroll and Edward Lear, without whom British
literary genius would be so much under-whelmed