Island Bound
Moving home is never without drama, and is regarded as being
one of the three most stressful things in most peoples lives (After divorce and
changing jobs). I have had countless jobs, and been divorced twice = 3rd
time lucky! Regards homes, I fought very hard to stay at my lovely house in
Rowley Bank,
In the last 9 years I have lived at 7 different addresses +
dossed at Dave and Dawns’ gaff in Bewdley for perhaps a little too long? Let’s
see: Stourbridge, The Kennels, Uni,
Therefore having lived in a state of seemingly perpetual movement for so long, we weren’t particularly fazed about yet another move – it appears to be a regular part of life.
Yes. We could have been more prepared. Fortunately the computer died for the 5th time in 8-months, allowing me free periods to twiddle my thumbs and pack up my office. I also managed to fill some boxes with other stuff, and collected more empty boxes from the local corner shop as a precaution.
5 Computers, 4 Mobile Phones and a Refrigerator
I am coming to believe there is a law of life that we as Westerners are largely unaware of. It mainly centres around ‘money’ or the lack of it, and goes something like this:
“If you have a lot of money, then money will come to you. If you don’t have any money, then money will be ripped away from you”.
Let me explain…
Since very late December of last year I have had 5 different computer hard drives crash on me – well, only 4 actually + one AC powerpack of a very unusual and antique size. One meltdown was entirely due to a malfunction with Windows XP Service Pack 3 (Chinese version in English). The others had similar fatigues. Not one was due to a virus or pc infection!
Similarly:
I have had 4 mobile phones = my main one from
This is around the time I start questioning ‘Serendipity’, as our cashflow has already been and gone.
Serendipity is a very good and erstwhile companion. I believe she may be the younger of three Sister’s, “Lady Luck” and “Fate”. The morning my mobile died, was also the morning that my landline (For the only time ever) decided not to work. I was scheduled to meet business colleagues at a place and time yet to be determined, but the last shot was I needed to be at Jiu Jiang Ferry by 10.30am. Siu Ying’s mobile had no credit, and I needed to leave within minutes in order to catch the bus. I made it and it all worked out fine without phones … but the fact remains that it is only when you ‘Don’t have’ that disaster strikes, and never when it is ‘not a problem’.
I coped with this, and was looking forwards to some cold beers upon my return. That’s when I noticed the refrigerator had packed-up! Sacre Nom! Sacre Blu!!! I ask myself, Jonno – how often do people loose their mobile phone, pc, and refrigerator = all at the same time? It is a tad beyond circumstance, and is ‘Serendipity’ of course
Now Roo (My Sister) reckons I have “Gremlins”. I mean, she says I have real live ethereal ‘Gremlins’. I think she could be right! This is not normal, but is related to my current lack of funds – hence read the intro to this aside again…
I have decided that I don’t like ‘not having any money’ a lot, and I am pretty sure I detest these ‘Gremlins’ wholeheartedly. So, as part of my thinking I have decided that we will move home, leaving them behind :- )
Before I finish this section, I should add a note about the DVD Player, which I personally broke about the same time the first pc died. It is a ‘Boy’ thing I guess? I very much like to touch the tray to close the DVD player. This DVD player does [Did] not do that … so I decided one day “To teach it” = Judo-Chop! Ho-Hum!
After a sharp biff the tray closed = lesson learnt, but leaving behind the tray front cover on the floor. Oppps!
It wouldn’t work either?
We endured this for months, as all the local fixers had come and gone, and there was simply no one I trusted to put it right. During my time without pc’s, I had a look and sorted the problem = re-engaged the drive mechanism (Which now worked with touch closing :- )). Unfortunately, I think a very small part was either lost or broken? This resulted in any arbitrary CD or DVD playing properly once in every 8 attempts. Usually it destroyed the playing mechanism, which meant I had to leave the machine with the cover off = no big deal for 30 goes or so. But life is always full of surprises…
On go 32, the DVD escaped the pan as usual, but then rebounded off the back cover and flew across the room, lodging at a very convenient throat-height in the opposing wall. I then told Siu Ying not to use it – like “EVER”!
After this episode, I only ever tried to view DVD’s with blunt edges
However, I have also envisaged a new marketing strategy, one I think many world governments may be interested in for National Defence. I think I should buy up all these old DVD machines, then break them with ‘Jonno-Powers style: “Judo-Chop”’. The results should be similar to what my Player does now. I reckon if I load them with old Westlife CD’s, or maybe ‘Back-door Boys’; then they will obviously be quite lethal. Given the enemy is not decapitated, then perhaps they will play them instead = same result!
Perhaps it is timely I move on…
Before returning to packing and moving out, first let me tell you all about casual teaching in Foshan…
Teaching
Friends will already know that we were doing very nicely up until our marriage in September 2008. Although this was a small affair by Chinese standards, it was also pretty damned expensive all in all. Y2,000 for the Certificate to marry, timings of visa’s, another Y2,000 for the full 3-part wedding ceremony (Legal in any country of the world), Y1,500 for a couple of people carriers with driver for the day, Y2,500 for the reception meal – etc. Total cost was in the region of Y16,000. That was fine as I had legitimate work scheduled handling a couple of Canadian Residency applications (Wads of paperwork and clauses that even I as an educated and native English speaker would find daunting). There was other stuff around, and new clients due for sourcing also.
However, in late August the world financial tsunami was
making its first presence felt, and even in early September I considered
canceling the wedding. However, 7 people had booked to fly out from
In the West we are used to recessions, as they come around
every 15 years or so. This was the first any Chinese had experienced, and some even
committed suicide! The common Chinese reaction was immediate and widespread.
They all simply stopped spending money on anything that wasn’t essential. No
meals out, meaning restaurants closed, staff were laid-off, factories closed.
In
The plunging Pound, coupled with extremely stupid and expensive visa renewals continuing unabated, meant our spare cashflow was substantially less than previous. Sourcing had dried up, and come late Spring 2009 we needed to look seriously at our lifestyle and finances. One option, which many friends also suggested, was I get a job teaching. Good idea, as it pays well and the hours are few.
The first job I looked at was with one of the city’s leading primary schools. I was initially told I could work 1 full day or 2 mornings or afternoons each week. Pay was Y120 per class (Teaching 40 minutes in the hour), and at 10 classes per week, this sounded ideal. I do a demo class which they all like, and I agree to give it a try.
My first concern follows some days later, as when I first stated I needed a Z visa or work permit, they said ‘no problem’. Later they stated that because this was part-time work I did not need a Z visa. Wrong! Anyway, a little disturbed, I pressed on. Two days later I received the teaching schedule. Bearing in mind our initial agreement, this is what I got:
Week 1:
Monday: 9am, 11am
Tuesday: 8.30 am, 11am
Wednesday: Off
Thursday: 8am, 9am, 1200
Friday: 9am, 1200
Week 2:
Monday: 9am, 1200
Tuesday: 8.30 am
Wednesday: Off
Thursday: 8am
Friday: 10am, 1200
Week 3:
Monday: 2.30pm
Tuesday: 3pm, 5pm
Wednesday: Off
Thursday: 4pm
Friday: 5pm
Week 4:
Monday: 4pm
Tuesday: 2pm
Wednesday: Off
Thursday: 5pm
Friday: 4pm
That’s 24 classes per month, or about half the hours I was first asked to do, but spread inconveniently over 4 days each week (Wednesdays are different in all Chinese schools, with project works am and sports pm)
We were still discussing whether I would take the job, as it could well conflict with my other business interest, when they played their final card:
‘Oh, and by the way, the Headmaster says that you have to be on the school gate each morning at 8 am to welcome the children to school. That is 5-days per week, each and every week! Then if you are not teaching, you will have to attend a staff meeting a 9am. You will not be paid for either of these things, they are what we expect of our teachers’.
My reply: ‘Thank you, but no thanks’.
With this one out of the way, I then looked at the private sector, and was immediately offered a job teaching at a large school 5-minutes walk from my home. Again I do a demo, this time for kindergarten ages, and I wonder? Asking the appropriate question, they reply that whilst they do have some adult courses, they mainly teach school ages with some pre-school students also. OK.
Again, no Z visa available – and with the same excuse re part-time work, as above. This is not good, but I continue looking into their offer. After the demo I have my picture taken, and write a short intro. 5 hours later this has been transformed into a large poster outside the school complex, which is set inside a popular shopping mall = everybody passing will see it. Hmmm! Work visa definitely required!
Pay was offered at Y150 per 40/45 minute hour, and I would be paid for the full hour. Hours offered were initially set at 12 classes over Saturday and Sunday daytimes. Sounds good. A few days later I get my first schedule:
Saturday: 9am Foshan – ages 7-8, 2 pm Nanhai ages 3-6, 5pm Nanhai ages 4-9
Sunday: 8am Nanhai ages 3-10, 2pm Foshan ages 4-7, 4pm Nanhai ages 4-7
Wait a minute here – you have 2 teaching centres? ‘Yes, didn’t you know?’ Hmmm! I need to allow 1-hour to get by bus to Nanhai to ensure I am there for start of class = Y2. By taxi it is Y20, and this can quickly become serious money. I am also not keen on hanging around Nanhai for over 2 hours with nothing to do.
So that’s 6 classes for week one. Week two is similar, and then on week three they move the goalposts. I get a schedule for 8 classes, but each of 30 minutes duration. This effectively means that for each 45 minute class, I either teach the first 30 minutes, or the last 30 minutes. This equals the one hour that they are paying me for, or put plainly: I now teach 2-classes for each hour paid! And that reduces things to 4 paid classes per week. Not exactly what we originally started talking about is it?
Here is
So, I ask you – what would your reaction be to these teaching schedules vs payments, given you also have other business interests to look after? Is it worth it, and especially without a work permit? I don’t think so…
Neal did actually remind me in early August, that it was appropriate time to apply for University teaching posts, positions that always offer a very good contract, remuneration and hours, including a work permit. However, by that stage it is fair to say we had really set our minds on moving home and starting a new future elsewhere. Thank you Neal all the same, appreciated.
Postscript:
It appears that I am not always stupid all of the time, regardless of what my readers may think.
Shortly before moving out my dearest friend Candy called for a visit. It was good to catch-up and talk about Dave behind his back hahaha! Nothing bad I assure you m8.
Anyway, at one point Candy said she had been contacted by
someone from the Public Security Bureau = Police, Customs, Immigration – it is
all the same department in
My point, and perhaps a warning to others – is that if I had
taken one of the teaching jobs, I would also have expected Candy to tell the
truth, and this time I would have been working for reward in
Now for ‘itinerant’ foreign teachers who come to
Yes, a big problem!
To end this section I feel I should emphasize that China is
not a Police State, as often portrayed in Western Media (In support of their
own, or own governments agendae). However, unlike
Anyway, back to the
packing and moving:
I had planned to do most of the main packing on Saturday,
the day before moving – but as happenstance, I had to attend a very important
business conference held on a floating pleasure boat in the heart of
Moving from an apartment in
I returned home to find Siu Ying out with friends, but she called at 10pm to say she was at a KTV with friends and would be ‘back in a bit’. In my stupidity I thought of this in English ways, and presumed the ‘friends’ may also return with her to help our packing. She reminded me to take a bottle of wine down to the guy who runs the local corner shop, and the very same people who have looked after me very well during my 5-years in Foshan.
Upon reflection; it is probably around this time that things started to go horribly wrong…
Picking up my mobile I noticed an incoming message – all in Chinese with 7.30 in English numbers. I checked the phone number as being that of the ‘Professional Chinese removal people’ we had hired for 8am the following morning, and replied with “OK”.
I think the owner and family that run’s the corner shop had never, ever
received a gift as token of appreciation for their service before, and
especially not a bottle of decent foreign wine presented by a foreigner. To be
honest, they were a bit overwhelmed, but gracious all at the same. The humility
of common Chinese people never ceases to amaze me. By return they offered me an
ice cold beer, and I gleefully accepted my first of the day. Well, what with
daily temperatures registering 46 degrees on our drive back from
My Father always used to tell me that: ‘The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions’.
He is probably very correct.
Gezzz! Was that cold beer nice? Damn right it was, but to addle your thinking - I only had the one beer. You see, I knew I was on a strict timetable and needed to pack all night long (No problem). However, the table outside the corner shop is a place where people stop to chat, and especially when a foreigner = me is there. I was offered a small glass of ‘Special Fruit Tea’, which smelled remarkably alcoholic and came from a well hidden bottle. I accepted knowing I was sober apart from the one small beer. Hmmm! So after we finished that bottle he produces a bottle of something from even deeper into the recesses of the shop … this time I was told it was ‘Red Date juice’. It smelled like red dates, looked like juice, and appeared to not have any alcoholic content, so bearing in mind the work I still had to do, and that the time was still only 11pm, I thought ‘Why Not’?
This was actually cultural exchange at street level, and something very close to my heart. Those reading will already have guessed I am sure – as to what is coming … but it tasted fine and akin to my own Father’s home-made Damson wine. It must have been about 95% proof!
I bolted home before midnight, having bade a fond farewell to all and sundry, and with a very boisterous gait. Inside the apartment I messed around with stuff and boxes, and suffered a few muscular cramps (Which is very unusual) before deciding that one of Dave’s ‘Power-naps’ might be a very good idea. 10 minute’s I though … and awoke at 5.40am.
I knew we were in trouble as soon as I awoke, and then I realized that Siu Ying was still out at the Karaoke. In such circumstances there is a very simple equation to employ, which is a bit like ‘DST’. However, this version relates to QST: Quality of packaging, Speed of packaging: vs Time remaining before the removal men rock up. So having wrapped swaddling around the spirit bottles and stuck them in a sound box, I decided the quality of packing was largely irrelevant, even for crockery. Speed was the only important factor, so I began chucking anything and everything at hand, into whatever container was suitably adjacent. At 5 55, Siu Ying rocks up and I may have considered cussing her for a jot, but instead made us both a coffee and gave her a kiss. Given she was very tired and a tad listless, I had to (Nicely) kick her arse into gear a couple of times, but she got the message and we were doing pretty well, until …
Ding Dong! 6.20 am, and ‘The Professional Chinese Removal People’ rock-up, asking why we aren’t ready. I say things like ‘7.30’, but it seems they have taken on an extra job and we are moving out = NOW!
The next hour becomes a blur of throwing things into containers (Graded only by size). The gaffer is one smart cookie, and seeing we are in trouble, he renders first one, and later three of his staff to assist us. The truck is loaded at 7.15, and my vain attempts to contact Eason (Who was supposed to be taking us + highly breakables to the island at 9am) have come to nought. So it’s all in the back of the truck, and we are in the front.
The driver is actually pretty good, and even offers us bottles of water. I am sweating buckets, as is Siu Ying – but first objective completed and we are moving. Hurrah!
Island Ahoy!
It gets worse before it gets better = such is life!
Join me next time for ‘Island Ahoy’, and our ‘moving-in’ escapades. However I will give you a clue … as it appears that up until this point in time, I am the only person that is aware we are actually destined to an island in the middle of a 3-mile wide river.
Opps!