32 Hours in
In previous missives I have been a little castigating
about Chinese roads and transportation services, so let me redress the balance
by relating my recent experiences by way of my latest trip to Hong Kong (HK).
Let’s pick this up for your starter on my Thors’ Day…
Any of you who are regular followers of these
scribbles will know I am not very good with this thing called “Time”, but on
this occasion I was naturally awake at 3.30 am and ready to start the day. Hmmm!
A little early for what is bound to be a very long day or two. I curl up on the
settee with a rug over the top of me and fall under for another couple of
hours. By 5.15 am I really can’t be done with anymore sleep, so plan to catch
the 6.30 ferry to the Mainland - Oh, if the gigantic thoughts of mice and men
were so easy to implement in the physical world!
I am virtually ready for the off before six O’clock.
But then my bowels start rejecting the ample amount of chillie I had eaten the
night before, and all in all, I know I will need to pay my very good friend
‘WC’ a visit or three before I go anywhere. Crazy stuff this chillie, and once
inside of you there doesn’t appear to be an ‘off-switch’ for excise of said
demons…
Actually this is all quite useful time, as I haven’t packed
anything yet, and also remember to take my reserve of HK dosh with me. I stroll
out only to be offered a lift to the ferry terminus by an island friend, Suzuki
Seb = a good start. I am travelling first to
The ferry is on time, and in Gaogong I am met by two
motorcycle taxis. The first one only speaks Mandarin, so I have to produce the
piece of paper with my destination that my wife lovingly prepared for me just
before I left. 5 RMB! Last time I was quoted Y15. Cool. I hop on, and everything
is going great until we reach MacDonald’s. He then veers off to the right,
whilst I was under the impression we were supposed to be headed straight-on and
then left a bit. I decide this trip is going to be an adventure, and wait to
see where I end up.
He turns left, and then right and we arrive at the
town centre. There are three coaches waiting, all headed for where I need to
be. But that’s not all; he also points me to the ticket office. Damn! So that’s
what this place is then, I thought it was a local lottery. I get my ticket to
Kengkou (Pronounced Heng Hao in Cantonese), and then am ushered onto the
adjacent bus – which is leaving in one minute. Wow! And it gets better:
This bus does every stop, and I am sort of looking
forwards to finding out where it actually passes in
We are on the express coach, so there are no stops at
all until I see my destination passing beneath the flyover we are on. I get up
and query this with the attendant, only to be told not to worry and to sit
down. ‘Yes Sir, Madam’. The other side
of this flyover has a cut-off lane which we take, and turning 270 degrees we
come to the bus station opposite my destination. I take the footbridge and am
soon in the foyer of the metro station … and it says metro station in English.
I only comment upon this because in the rest of
I have to change lines one stop from my destination,
and this is quite comical because they use a short hop train connection on this
link, which is not obvious and contrary to displayed signs. I assist a confused
Chinese man to the right platform location and he thanks me profusely. The next
train is in, and within a minute I am aboard and headed for CITIC Plaza. Time
for a smoke, and perhaps a visit to my very best of friends? Yes it is time
again, and so greeting the office receptionist quickly, I tell her I have diarrhoea
and need the WC like ‘ASAP’. No problem and she not only gives me the key, but
also takes me to the door. This one has western sit-on toilets and those flashy
plastic seat covers that revolve when you hit the switch. I collect my passport
shortly afterwards and head out into the street headed for my worst nightmare
place, Guangzhou East Railway Station (GZERS). This is just one stop on the
metro line, and I am there before 10.10 am. That’s less than 3-hours from when
I left home, so pretty damn good!
‘GZERS’ turns out to be ok actually, and I guess it is
only my nightmare because it is the only destination from anywhere in this part
of
As smoking is banned in Chinese travel locations, I
head outside through the nearby doors and find a rooftop plaza, complete with
Chinese MacDonald’s, which I hastily pass by (Well, the American one is bad
enough surely?). Finishing my smoke I squash the butt and gently kick it into
the pan of one of the street cleaners who is waiting nearby for something to
do. We laugh and I go for the train. Customs
is a breeze and in no time I am headed for the train. The customs guy even
shared a joke with me – fancy that. I have travelled this way on a couple of
occasions before, but perhaps I should describe Chinese trains for you.
The first thing you should know is that Chinese trains
do not have a bogey width based upon the dimensions of a Roman Chariot, unlike
the rest of the world (Which is 4 feet, 7 and three quarter inches in case you
wondered). The wheels are spaced a bit wider apart. Second is that these trains
are like English double-decker buses, with second class beneath, and VIP on
top. I actually went for VIP this time, but both sections are pretty good. I am
escorted to my carriage, and then another charming girl escorts me to my large,
single window seat that is excellently comfortable. As soon as I am seated an
attendant arrives with a bottle of water, glass, and gives me a couple of bags
of different types of peanuts. The opposite row is double seating, with some
arranged with a table in between. It is all very kosher. Hello
There is a magazine rack for free use, and one paper
in English (China Southern Daily). Then the attendant returns with the drinks
trolley, which I forgo. A short time later he reappears with the menu, and I
plump for a cheese and ham sandwich with coffee. Both are excellent, and the
sandwich also contains some form of sour cream dressing. Yummie! This is all
made fresh to order, and presented as it should be in the West, complete with
sandwich without crusts in a plastic sandwich box, and coffee + cream in small
tubs, and brown sugar. Spot-on! It is so good I may even try the roast beef
meal next time.
It takes a little over one-hour to reach Shenzhen, but
then things slow as we enter the
I decide to walk on the left side of the road for most
of the way (About 1 mile), simply to avoid the intrusion of Indian suit
hawkers. I am very hot, because the sun is out and it is tee-shirt weather in
HK. I am sporting my winter woollies, so disrobe in short time. One of the
curiosities that have afflicted the International Banking industry over the
last year or so is that they appear to be replacing all the old and reliable ATM
machines with new ones that don’t work. Well, that is a slight overstatement.
They work if you have a locally issued bank card. This is now prevalent in
Mainland
I arrive at my hotel and the Manageress greets me like
a long lost friend. She says a girl rang her to confirm my booking, and I say
it was my wife. She then sees our wedding picture and comments that she is very
attractive. I say this is the picture from our wedding in Toisan (Tai Shan),
and this turns out to be her home city. Small world! It is now about 1.30, so I
head out to visit China Ferry and see what Sea-Cats go directly to our area.
Since my last visit they have reinstated ferry services to Siu Heng (Zhaoqing),
and I now also have the schedule for Go Ming ( Gao Ming) and Hoksan (He Shan) =
my local town on the other side of the river from my island home. Excellent!
Well worth the visit. I buy some embrocation for my wife, and head off for my
favourite bar/restaurant.
I like café ‘La Fountaine’ in Centenary Square because
it is ambient, the staff are nice and chatty, and it is a really good place to
pass time and meet new people. I do not see the Manageress upon arrival, but
the staff know me well and we exchange pleasantries in versions of English and
Cantonese. I ask ‘Mei’ (who is from
This day we see some Chinese who are not Chinese, and
who soon sit next to me. I work out they must be Korean. I later discover I am
right. They are talking a lot about the Obama visit, but they are more insular
than Chinese or Foreigners, and I do not press them for conversation. Then a
pretty girl joins their table, and she is a present for the Big Boss. I think
she is Chinese, but it turns out that she is actually born in
The menu is actually very good, and caters for all
tastes and nationalities. They have lunchtime specials, and happy hour is 3 to
9 pm. I’m set for the duration!
Suitable stuffed, I head for the hotel; but fancy a
little J’un es
The Matre D’homme speaks good English, and comes from Toisan
originally – small world, again! The masseuse is actually a Filipino with very
good skills. She washes my feet and applies oils, whilst I also later discover
she gave the soles of my feet a callus removal treatment by simply using here
fingernails – and unbeknownst to me at the time! Then I receive a full body
massage, which misses out my most private places, and two hours later we are
done. I feel excellent! This is definitely one of the best feelings in the
world, apart from the obvious of course.
Let
me contrast this with a boy’s view of The Bible, in which I was always confused
by the part where Mary washes Jesus’ feet and applies oils. We certainly do not
have this in
And the evening and the morning becomes the next day.
I linger AM, as I have nothing at all to do in HK except wait for my new visa,
which will be ready around 6pm. I entertain some wishful thinking about the
Filipino housemaid they have here, who is an older woman, but has a cracking
smile and twinkly eyes. Then I remember I am happily married to a more beautiful
woman, so what next then?
HK English TV has taken to showing Baby TV in the
mornings = switch-off, and I just missed the news in English on CCTV channel 9.
The Chinese news channel may have been stating that Jenson Button has signed
for MacLaren! I must check this info, as it is critical for boys. And so it is,
Jenson joins Lewis’ team, now this should prove interesting as they are very
different types of driver. I will not bore you with the nest of vipers F1 has
become, so let’s move onwards and outwards towards the streets of
Just before midday I depart amid much fanfare and
promise to see them again soon. I know I will end up at Café Fountaine, but try
to put this off for as long as possible.
Well, there is basically nothing I need to do, nor
want to do.
I find a ‘Welcome’ store which is hidden down some
stairs and in the basement is a small supermarket. It is selling corned beef at
HK$44 for Libby’s, which is an outrage. It was HK$20 six months ago. Cheese is
equally expensive, and a half pound of processed Anchor Brand Vintage Cheddar
is on offer at HK$ 75! You cannot be serious, but they are? I find some other
things I may buy later, and do buy some ‘Doggy-chews’ for Be Loi. The time is
now 12.30, and I only have 5 and a half hours to waste doing nothing before my
visa is ready. Wow-wie! I check out Park and Shop, only to find the store
doesn’t really stock much in the way of Western produce, and what it does have
is even more expensive than Welcome. Durrr! I consider going to the large Wan
Chai store, as they occasionally have Walls sausages, but then again; if I were
in
I vaguely look into a couple of perfumeries in the
vain hope they may sell Davidoff roll-on for men, but they don’t stock it any
more. It is the only one that doesn’t create that ghastly foam under your
armpits when you are dancing. That’s how Coco Channel made her name by the way.
I look for some of my wife’s preferred perfumes and deodorants, but they are
also out of stock = a dead line. Still, I have made it to just after 1pm now,
so less than 5 hours to go. So what can I do next?
Nothing
I head for the bar…
Today is a little more active, and I watch Chinese
tourists pass by, whilst also people-watching the Hongkongians using the café.
The draught
The new girl at this bar notices I have perspicacity
for nuts with wasabi coating (Japanese for Concentrated English Mustard made
from horseradish), so she brings me a whole bowl full of the damned things.
Fantastic!
2.44: Now what … I mean, there is absolutely nothing I
have to do, nor want to do here. I sip my beer and consider I could leave in
around 3-hours time. Wow! Only 3-hours to go then
Time passes, a butterfly lands on me. Time passes, the
butterfly departs…
2.58 and forty seconds! I am watching the fountain.
And so it continues until around 4pm. Then I spy a
likely suspect! Initially he passes by, but I know he will be back. This person
later turns out to be my good friend Jim, and we are both here only to renew
our passports, and basically just killing interminable time. He’s from
I don’t have time left to buy chocs for the neither
missus, nor Hellman’s mayonnaise at vastly inflated prices. Opps!
Jim and I both rush off to our destinations, and have
been in contact since. I get to CITS and my ‘passey-port’ is ready, so off to
Tsim Shar Tsiu East again, but this time to Shenzhen (SZ) via the metro. All
transportation systems start winding down in
We do the usual stuff: First a girl comes and takes my
money, then another girl comes past with a video camera – so I give her a big
smile, well ??? why not. I get a free bottle of water and become aware I am
very tired. I try to sort out an uncomfortable seating arrangement (The
ergonomically designed seating is designed for midgets, not large bulky people
such as myself), but am then joined by a young girl, whilst her Father finds a
seat elsewhere. We exchange pleasantries, and yes, she does speak good English,
although her Cantonese is not as good as mine. I do go to sleep, and later
register she is also asleep on my shoulder. Ok = she seems a nice kid and
probably around age 10 or 12?
I surface to find we are in a traffic jam, and call my
‘Chinese Brother’ Eason to say I will be late for evening drinks in Foshan.
Then my wife rings to say she is in Foshan waiting for me = Pukker! I go back
to sleep and miss the end of the roadwork’s or accident, whatever. The next
thing I know the girls Father is trying to wake her, and we are only 10 miles
out from the coach station. It appears he is determined for them to be first
off the coach, and has marked his ground accordingly. Get real! I go back to
the
It is actually 15 minutes later when we are
approaching the terminus that I decide to wake up. The girl is flopping about
encouraged by her Father = very sleepy. She reminds me of Lobby-Loo ha-ha! I
leave them to their theatrics and concentrate on my sleepy personal plans:
The bus pulls into Foshan Hong Won, and the Father is
first off the coach, accompanied by his very sleepy rag-doll. Worth it then I
guess? It then and only then occurs to me that I should have let the girl and
Father sit together, and I could have taken his seat. Oh well! I follow a little while later = 5-seconds, but
stop to light a butt. Foshan Coach Station is very crazy at night, as I have
mentioned before in lost missives. They have a very large taxi rank patrolled
by a ‘Gaffer’ who decides who goes where, and at what cost. My previous interactions
with this dick-head have lead me to believe that his taxi’s either go to
I head immediately for the nearby intersection and
will hail a proper cabby there. Low and behold, the Father and waking child are
also there waiting for a reasonably priced fare to their home. We have an
exchange of knowing looks and smiles. I let them have the first taxi that pulls
up inside 30 seconds, as the Daughters needs are greater than mine, and anyways
they were first in the queue lol. An interloper steals the next ride, but I am
only half way down my ciggie, so ‘no problemo’. I ditch the butt only to find a
cabbie sauntering across god knows how many red lights in order to get my
custom on his meter. Cool, and he even understands my Cantonese instantly –
Ahh, it’s good to be home at last!
As I pay for the ride, he even complements me on my
Cantonese, so I let him keep the 1 RMB change – I’m becoming a soft touch I
guess. I am dying on my feet and need to go to sleep immediately. But first I
have to climb 20-million steps to get to the hotel room. Ok, I exaggerated and
it is only 4 floors of climbing. This place is about Travelodge standard and
costs around Y90 per room per night = peanuts, $12, or £8-something? Knocking
the door, a delighted Siu Ying greets me with a big hug and we exchange news. I
really want to curl up in bed, but she is hungry – so out we head for a late
night eatery.
She takes me to an area I know well, and the second of
two restaurants I used to frequent years ago with Neal. We also used to enjoy
the odd beer late at night sitting outside a small shop opposite, at the
entrance to a very Chinese local quarter. Well, the outside seating has been
replaced with modern plastic chairs, but everything else is just about the
same. Inside the restaurant I reflect on some times past, whilst Siu Ying
orders our meal. I have been there for a nightcap with Neal at 5 am, and on
another occasion we sat and chatted outside this shop just after midnight.
Although we were into our own stuff, we did eventually notice that there were
many very pretty girls entering and leaving this old style Chinese condominium
(Garden). Being now aware, we did watch, and for sure at 1 am or so, very
attractive girls would hurry out of this Garden and into waiting taxis. Often
they would reappear slightly dishevelled about 30 minutes later. We really
creased ourselves with laughter, plus the added ‘WTF’ is this all about factor.
Hahaha! Readers can work this one out for themselves, for it surely isn’t
rocket science.
Back to the present, and in the restaurant we are
having ‘Hot-Pot’, which comprises a very large metal bowl centrally divided
into two parts, placed on a gas ring. It features hot chillie one side, and
coconut milk with herbs in the other. This is cook-it yourself style, so we
add: English and Chinese potatoes, two types of mushrooms, thin strips of lamb,
pig’s brains, squid, and tripe. There are also other vegetables lurking nearby
for later addition. The food is excellent and the hot side is extremely hot! We
pass a pleasant couple of hours, but leave just as the first party revellers arrive
from nearby nightclubs. We get back to the hotel around 2am and both go
immediately to sleep.
Neither of us slept particularly well for no apparent
reason; however, we are surprised to discover the time is now approaching 11am.
I go to the bank across the road, which is having a funny and won’t give me any
money! I watch and wait whilst other withdraw funds, so decide to have another
go. This time it works! You have no idea how annoying this saga is ‘Visa’!
However, it won’t accept my second card, so I give up and rejoin my wife. She
is waiting for my return in the hotel foyer, where outside moments later Eason
arrives in his car, and we head for lunch. The restaurant is new to me, but of
a good calibre.
Eason departs before 2pm, as he is expecting the
arrival of a bathroom for his new home. I am ready to head home, but Siu Ying
wants to go shopping in Ba Fa (Bai Hua in Mandarin), the city centre. I get my
head round ambling aimlessly around a multitude of clothes shops and similar,
before steering her surreptitiously towards a mall within which I am bound to
find some jeans that fit me – Cantonese are generally of a lot smaller frame
than I, so buying new clothing is a major problem for me in most outlets. I buy
two pairs (CK and Jeep) and we continue our meander. Beats me what girls like
about shopping, but she is happy, so that’s great! She takes me into a side
street jeweller and discusses having my Mothers’ engagement ring adapted to
suit her small fingers. Basically this means putting the crown onto another
ring of far smaller diameter, but there are technical problems we need to sort
out first. By 4pm she has had her fill, so we head for the bus in order to beat
the rush hour. The journey home is uneventful, although the stupid roadwork’s
are still in operation at the Foshan Number 1 Ringroad interchange with the
G325 –causing a massive detour and 20 minutes lost.
Let me digress, as this is a classic! On the return
leg of this detour, which basically takes us up the side road of the Ringroad,
and then back again; there is a Chinese juggernaut reversing. This is a big
articulated lorry with an extended trailer that is about twice the length of
anything I have ever seen in
We move on and meet the next interchange, which is a
mêlée of confusion that surpasses rush-hour in central
We arrive in Gaogong, which could be translated as
dog-pee if the Chinese characters were different. However, it is pronounced the
same hahaha!
… and we later arrive home to be greeted by a very excited
Be Loi. I think to check email but don’t, before heading for bed at an
unusually early hour.
Of course, this saga isn’t finished until I
re-register with the Chinese Public Security Bureau (Police), which I now know
is spoken: ‘Gung An’, or ‘Geng’ for short. Geng also means Ginger, so you can
draw your own conclusions. Anyway, it is Saturday and they are shut, as they
will be tomorrow – so I will therefore carry-on relating the events of this
saga undaunted.
Ring-ring, ring-ring…
It is 8am, and I have been working since 4am (My
prerogative). It is Uncle Sam telling me he is on the ferry and will arrive in
10 minutes. I get busy and finish my immediate work. Then I start a new project
and complete others. Time passes. I try to work out if it is time for a beer or
a coffee? It is only 10.45am, but I have been working hard since 2am. That’s
almost 9 hours then. Hmmm? My reverie is interrupted by a call from beyond my
gate – Uncle has arrived! He has brought with him some important Chinese
business people + their entire living families, and a small dog. I ponder … as
instead of trying to decide between a coffee and a beer at 11am, perhaps I
should already be half way down a bottle of Vodka hahaha!
After brief introductions we soon adjourn to Au San’s
restaurant, where I do have a beer. I know and like some of this party, especially
Lou San and his second wife, whilst the majority remain new to me. The
restaurant is crammed today, and had we not advanced booked, we would be in the
new extension, which is not finished by way of a roof ... or even tables &
seating for that matter. The other Boss is into discussing boats, whilst Lou
San is up for Olives in Guangxi. ‘The medicine’ is going down really well and
we have a great time. Siu Ying collects left-over’s for Be Loi in a Doggy-bag,
and we head home. Uncle and others head off for an island tour, whilst we feed
a very happy Be Loi.
Time passes, as it tends to do when waiting for the
return of guests. I go back to work, but ring Uncle after 5. Ahha! He is back
home and they left on the 3 O’clock ferry. Thanks! I do what I need to do, and
go to sleep, as tomorrow will be full of unexpected adventures – rely upon it!
Monday
This day my only priority is to register with PSB
(Police and visa) and get a new and permanent Certificate of Temporary
Residency in
I have allowed all day for this inexorably prolonged
and exacting exercise in crass stupidity. My wife is equally prepared…
I have enlisted the help of my good friend Paul (Yuan
Wei) to assist proceedings, as this is my first registration in a different
part of the same city; and I am expecting ‘small complications’. He has never
experienced this before, so it should prove ‘interesting’ for all.
We greet Yuan at the Mainland quay around 10.15 am and
head off to ‘The Police Station’, which is 5-minutes walk away. However
we travel by his car, which takes 6-minutes, but I have an ulterior motive and
much else to do, time allowing?
Climbing the steps to the Main Police headquarters, we
accompany someone who is probably Chinese CID. The ground floor is deserted,
and before we think about where to go, the CID chappie asks and directs us to
the second floor. Then he directs us to ‘The other second floor’, which in
American and Chinese would be the third floor. He is from
We head for an office in the corner, as directed by
‘Hong Kong Kan-San’, and we find a clutch of startled girls all pretending to
be doing important things using computers. It seems we are in the wrong place,
although they do supervise what their satellite offices do. We are directed to
another Police Station, which is about 3 miles away, and not closer to the
island. I have my doubts about this, but I do have to do this, so go with the
flow.
Inside of 10 minutes we rock-up at Police Station
Number 2. It is an inconspicuous establishment hidden by a building site and
adjacent waste ground, with main entrance tucked helpfully down a sociably
inaccessible side-street. We eventually find the entrance, and are greeted by
Security, who nods back at me as I walk on by giving him a cursory wink. To my
right are a collection of disassembled or trashed Mah Jonng tables … and I
consider briefly if these could be relics from their Police Club, or the
trashed remains of confiscated and illegal goods. I better not go there I
guess, so head for the reception.
I get out my:
Eventually the Sergeant at Arms gets off the phone and
recognises he has customers. Paul explains why we are here, whilst I support
with documentation.
Nope, it seems we are in the wrong Police station. I
guessed so already. I was sort of expecting this, but Yuan is flabbergasted.
The result is we have to go to a different Police station to register, but then
return to this one so I can get the official ‘Stamp’. I had experienced
something similar in Foshan previously, so ‘no problemo’
Number 3 Police Station turns out to be in the very
centre of town, but we need to go there after 2.30pm, as the guy we need only
works afternoon shift’ there today. I do
ask is this a regular thing, only to be told it varies, and maybe mornings on a
different day, or the same day next week. I get a contact phone number to check
when they are open, except we are not allowed to write this down for security
reasons…
Here is
I mentally meddle with the words: ‘Absurd’,
‘Ridiculous’, and ‘Off Your Trolley’; before smiling politely, retrieving all
my documents, and heading for Downtown!
‘Downtown’ is originally a
My other major task today is to transfer some money
from my Bank of China account, to somebody else’s Bank of China account. We go
to Bank of China. This Branch has the only ATM that works with foreign visa
cards in this town, and it is ‘Out of Order’. Great! Enquiring with staff
inside, we discover that they will soon finish replenishing the beast, and it
will be working again in a few minutes. By the time we have considered a plan
of action, the Security Guard tells me the machine is now working – in English!
Outside the machine is up again, and pressing all the
right buttons I get the traditional message, “Abnormal Account Activity, please
refer to issuing bank”. Most helpful, not! My Bank’s only ‘offshore’ branch is
in located in The Isle of Man. Durrr!
After this sidetrack, we again head for the counters
(No queues here), and I ask a girl to transfer the funds. All appears to be
going well, but then she just simply adds the funds to my account. No, let’s
try again. It seems that I then have to remove the funds from my account in
order to process this request. Then it just happens that they cannot do this
with ‘cash’, so I have to re-enter the dosh into B of C account, and am
directed to use a machine. During this process the Security Guard has taken
over most of the Tellers operations, and is telling her what to do. I still
haven’t quite got my head around this, but as we always rely upon: ‘Here is
Arriving at the adjacent machine – well: it only
speaks Chinese. Security guide me through the process, until the point where we
arrive at the understanding that funds cannot be transferred via this machine –
as the receiving account is not actually B of C after all. Ahha!
We go back to the Teller, and still with no queue -
are entering a new phase…
She processes my transfer again, and this time it is
ok. Except, they cannot confirm the recipient details, and ask me to do several
things, none of which make any sense. Then she suggests to Yuan and Siu Ying,
that if I had an ‘Online’ account, I could easily do this myself in English;
and that virtually all Branch level restrictions would not apply. Everybody
agrees this is a good idea, so we go for this. We mangle the form-filling, but
it is sort of acceptable. Things are going really well until they process said
form, and discover my holding Branch is in the nearby town – which is also
within a different City district of Foshan City. They cannot process this and
first suggest I need to go to the Branch.
But before a premonition of doom besets me, Yuan
translates that she can sort this.
So we fill in the forms again, and I get issued with
20 pieces of paper to sign (In triplicate). Not using paper much these days, it
is very useful time for me to try and get at least two of my signatures looking
similar hahaha!
I am given a brand new ballpoint pen, this time with
black ink … and we submit!
Great, everything is fine until we hit the ‘Passport’
problem. Well, I have submitted my current passport, but my Bank references and
details all relate to the Passport I originally entered
We depart amidst much fanfare, and a ‘high-5’ from
Security bod + our completed but not fully processed yet paperwork.
I try the ATM again, but it is not interested and
gives me stupid messages instead of my cash!
We are still awaiting the 2.30 window for Police
action, so I take us for a walk to the nearby store that should now have
‘Dry-cleaned’ our winter bedding. It is not quite where I thought it would be,
and using our receipt, Yuan calls them to check – and basically we are just 20
yards away. Delving into the bowels, the owner eventually finds our bedding,
and Siu Ying has a go about the price. She is my personal Rottweiller in such
matters, and gets Y10 knocked off the agreed price. Finally something is going
right, and I feel this afternoon will be excellent!
Uncle calls and says we need to meet Lo San for lunch
at a nearby restaurant. Seems like a plan, but I tell him we first need to go
to the island and get my passeyport + deliver stuff. We agree to meet at the
restaurant at 12.30, and I tell him that because of the ferry schedule we will
be late. The time is now 11.20, and I reckon we will probably make it for
around 1pm.
Walking back to the car I make the mistake of dropping
by a street store to by some toilet tissue. I get an immediate bollocking from
Siu Ying, as apparently a store 3 miles up the road is selling the same thing
for one RMB less. Right!
Then she says my choice is not good, and she prefers
another Brand. Ok, just as long as it is not made out of ‘Cheese-Graters’ it
should be fine lol. [Editors Note: this is excellent toilet tissue – never
underestimate your wife!].
Whilst this is happening, we have lost Yuan into the
depths of the store, and he is buying Chinese Teas and various sundries. I
compliment by going AWOL also, and add a waterproof toilet tissue holder, large
enough for Elephant sized tissue paper, and several other incidentals to our
basket. This was actually a tad bizarre, as all three of us did our own thing
together for a short while.
Then it’s back to the car, and a pre-lunch dash to the
island to get my passyport. Considering that Yuan will be taking his car over,
and that carbuoys of water are extremely heavy, we stop by the water carbuoy
shop en route and I get 2 new bottles, with no returns – so pay-up a Y100
deposit. I also enquire about how many bottles we have to sign up for to get a
free machine, as ours is on its last legs, or at least needs a very noisy fan
replacing. I don’t really end up with a sensible answer to this question, but
do discover that this girl actually does speak Cantonese a bit – just that she
always speaks Mandarin. I’ll follow this one later then.
I am very conscious of our immanent schedule, as the
ferry leaves Mainland at 12.30, and returns at 1pm. The crossing takes an
arbitrary 15 minutes, leaving us another 15 minutes to reach my home, offload,
reload, and get back to the jetty. I ask Yuan to express to Siu Ying how quick
this needs to be. Then I explain this request to Siu Ying so I know Yuan
understands. You have to laugh to keep from crying sometimes…
We arrive at the ferry and Siu Ying disappears off to
the nearby restaurant to retrieve some stuff she left in their freezer for
safe-keeping a few days before. The ferry arrives at 12.30 (It’s departure time),
and yet I refuse to worry. It departs 5-minutes late, and I amble on deck and
enjoy the wind on my face, and the paradoxes of serendipity fading into the
mighty rivers ambient grasp
We actually get ashore on the island at 12.49, and
have 11 minutes until the return trip = easy!
And it was. We sort of manage to avoid a very excited
Be Loi, lugging bags of washing and carbuoys of water inside. I grab my pc and
passeyport, whilst Siu Ying goes for a toilet break. The car repacked we make
it back to the ferry for 12.52. Damn, that was quick! Meanwhile Uncle has taken
to ringing me every five minutes to relate their progress, and ask where we
are. Apparently by the time we get on the return ferry, they have just secured
a Private Room at the restaurant. I tell him we will be there in 15 minutes (As
he will work off the ferry schedule and not real-time).
Well, we rock-up at the restaurant at 1.14, and are
swept into the private enclave. I really like one of the guys at the table (In
a boy’s friends way), and we greet two new people. The meal is excellent, and
then at 2.10 we all start to depart. We
actually make the car park 10 minutes later, and with gusto of goodbyes, head
off for the computer shop.
This is just down the road and left a bit, and two minutes
later we are inside. I think I like the young guy and his partner, as I called
here a few months ago, and although language was a barrier = we are talking
complex pc things that most normal human beings do not understand at all – We
understood each other, and I got a very good feeling about him and his work.
With Yuan’s excellent translation skills these judgements are soon confirmed,
and he will do what I ask: Add a 512 Mb RAM, remove
Now to sort out the Public Security Bureau and Bank!
Wishing fond farewells (And it really is like this in
Entering the PSB compound, we head for the central
building with much aplomb. They have no idea what to make of our group and
request, no ‘suggest’ we go to the traffic police HQ. Hmmm? – so they will give
me a new permit of residency; I don’t think so! Pressing them for confirmation
in several languages, they later add that we could try the building next door
(Within the same compound). That would then be the one we passed to get to this
one right? Yes. So off we go.
There is another Chinese CID chappie lurking unobtrusively
at the top of the steps, so Yuan asks him if they can help us, and he says “Yes
of course!” He directs us inside and tells the Uniforms why we are there
The guy behind reception initially tells us we are in
the wrong building, and need to travel 100 miles to somewhere else. Yuan uses
his initiative and says something, ably supported by Siu Ying. I am encouraged,
because all bantering is in Cantonese, which I can just about follow … how did
that happen to me then?
A Sergeant is called away from late lunch, and he
basically says “No Problemo”, and begins processing my details. I know this
will take half an hour, as it is my first time in this Precinct. Cool. They
have their job to do, and he does his very well. I respect this. I join CID and
we share cigarettes, and time passes…
Nearly all Chinese Police smoke quite heavily, and
smoking is expected inside of Chinese Police Stations. I sit down and find an
ashtray, whilst a guy from a local Petrol Station is brought in for some form
of processing. From his facial features even I know he is not a local, but he
is not in cuffs either. I am presuming this is a Chinese registering of
residency thingymagig? All Chinese citizens have to be registered in their town
of abode also, and Siu Ying already did this last month when we moved city
district.
I am duly processed and given two articles of
parchment. One is my new Certificate of Residency without the official stamp,
and the second is my file for Nomhoi (Nanhai). We are instructed to take both
of these back to Police Station Number 2 for due process. “Yessir!”
Regaining the street, I do check the Bank again on the
way back to the car, but it is definitely never going to give me any money
today … “Hello Visa?”
Yuan drives us to Police Station number 2 and we joke
about visiting every Police Station in this small town in one day – something
we later achieve! But for the moment we retrace our steps and are soon re-engaged
in an unanimated conversation with Gordon the Goffer, again. We give him the
forms from ‘Central’ which he mulls over with slight distain, before looking at
my unstamped Certificate and realising that he is finally going to have to do
something. So reaching into the bowels of his drawer, he retrieves a pristine
official stamp for the purpose of stamping my form, which he does so
immediately. He is actually a nice guy, and I malign slightly for your
entertainment only.
It reminds me a bit about that song by David Grey –
sometimes all the lights are red and you are going nowhere, next thing you know
– all the lights are green and you are rushing in your bloodstream. The song is
called ‘
With this in mind, I decide to see if B of C will heed
the pipers tune…
Returning to the cesspool of local society, that is
the town centre under development, we re-enter the Bank and are greeted once
again by ‘Bouncy Bertum, the Banks Security personnel. He sweeps aside the queue of 1 person, and immediately
guides me to a closed Teller, who opens upon his command. Perhaps he is the
Branch CEO in disguise? Magic anyways!
I hand over the previously completed forms, old and
new ‘Passeyports’, and other sundry items; and in 2 minutes I am processed. Thank
you!
I am given some sort of key ring dongle to which to
apply to a computer + some ‘useful numbers’ and we’re done!
That took all of about 2 seconds. Yuan has been
admirable today, so we offer him and family to join us for dinner later to
celebrate, but they have other plans. However, he does say he will pick us up
after the meal and take us to the ferry. I have a feeling this may not happen,
so thank him and say we will be in touch later.
I ring Jeff, only to be greeted by Stephanie Speaking
hahaha! We are set to meet at the usual venue at around 5pm in the nearby town
of
He returns a minute later, and gets out his scissors!
Ouch! My hair has not been cur for 7-years, and I presume this will be a trim.
Snip! 10 inches of my ponytail land curiously on my lap. Hmmm! This wasn’t
quite what was on my agenda for this evening, but my wife is basically doing
this for me, so I guess I better go with it. 10 inches!!! The hairdresser is
actually pretty good, and I end up with a sort-of Richard Widmark look, that
quite suits me. Never underestimate your wife. Mind you, winter is approaching
and it is damned chilly around the gills! The hairdresser is very particular
and pays great attention to his work. We can communicate in Cantonese, and soon
I am ushered off for another hairwashey – this time downstairs and of a
practical nature. The guy that does this is probably of novice grade, and I
doubt he has ever seen a foreigner before, never mind washing ones hair. I am
then returned to the hairdresser proper and get a blow dry. My wife appears
soon after, and we head for the nearby restaurant. Her hair is long, and black,
and looks really great!
Reaching the designated restaurant we are greeted with
great enthusiasm by the owner, and quickly found suitable seating. Jeff rocks
up shortly after, and we have a beer and catch up. Brits and Aussies get on
really well, especially outside of their native countries + I have known this
guy for 7 years, and we met in this small Chinese town originally. Damn! Jeff
really likes my new look. Bugger! We talk business and pleasure, and talk about
many things. Much later Step arrives with Jeff’s Aussie companion Stuart, and
we move to the very largest table the restaurant has at its disposal. I get on
with this guy also, as we have lots of geeky computer stuff in common, plus he
is thinking of spending a couple of years living in
Meanwhile; Step is Step, and she is a very clever and
unusual girl. She is from
The five of us present moved to a larger table because
we will later be joined by others. And sure enough, within a few minutes other
people take seats. Eventually our table completes with 18 people sitting at a
Chinese round table designed for 15 people. I am sitting opposite a big local
Boss and his number 2, and I know exactly what is going to happen. I toast them
personally, simply to confirm my suspicions. Moments later they toast me back,
at which point I know we will end up totally wrecked tonight!
But that is not what happened. Well, it did , but
there was a very interesting person sitting next to me later that evening, and
he is deeply into Buddhism, numbers and Egyptology, and especially the number
32. This maybe represents the esoterical roots of that stupid Japanese Suduko
thingymagig.
Well, we all get totally trashed, have a great time,
and I wake up to the sounds of my wife telling me I am a bad boy + my breath
stinks. I brush my teeth and that solves one problem. I don’t yet have a
hangover, so decide that I better take the initiative and suggest we go
‘Shopping’! It turns out this was a very smart move, as I am now ‘Golden’!
The local Plaza is small, but much to Siu Ying’s
liking. One store has some clothes she really likes the look of, so we go
inside; only to discover the jacket she wants to buy has no lining. She steers
me to KFC where she buys food, whilst I tinker with their version of coffee and
some fries. She gets a doggy bag for Be Loi.
We then get a bus to the bus stop we need to be at for
the next part of our journey home, and catch the City bus 236. 3RMB. We wait 8
minutes actually, and these buses should be timed every 5 minutes. The first
bus is rammed and standing room only, so we both suggest we wait. Within one
minute another bus arrives, which is virtually empty, and we board.
We arrive at the most convenient of two bus stations
this small town has to offer, and are met by a thriving ensemble of motorcycle
taxi drivers looking for a fare. I can’t be done with this shit, and sidestep
to light a ciggie. We actually do need to do this thing, but I don’t like the
pressurised situation. Siu Ying is into this, and gets us a very low fare to
our immediate destination = the local computer shop.
Arriving we are met by this guy who has done great
works on my pc. He fires it up, but I know already it is fine again. I then get
Siu Ying talking to him about a handwriting input device for Chinese
characters, something she needs. She is wowed, but then does a deal to convert
our laptop from
We leave eventually, and get a couple of motorcycle
taxis back to the ferry. We have time on our side, so Siu Ying goes to the
local restaurant to buy me some Dim sun for later – which she later cooks for
me with eggs, chips, and fries tomatoes. I have no idea where she got the fried
tomatoes from, but it works for me + she adds salt, not sugar as is standard in
these parts.
And that just about wraps up this missive, so thank
you for reading.
I wish you were here, its ‘Magic our Morris!’
best wishes, and May your god walk with you – I am
happy to note mine does (Sometimes)
Jonno